E.R.II and the Kingdom of the Crystal MRI

Well its finally here. You have waited patiently wondering if there would be a part II to E.R.( if you are wondering what I am referring to, see post back in March- E.R. (EVENTUALLY you get a ROOM)), and your patience has paid off.

You will be happy to know, that it was not my wife that had to return to the glorious wonder known as Southdale Emergency Room, but myself. I will give you a little bit of history of the week that led up to me having to attend the E.R. On Wednesday morning, just after arriving to my wonderful place of employment of Wells Fargo(...trying to hang on to my work...), I began to feel numbness and tingling on the left side of my face and in my left hand. I didn't think much of it, but it did not go away. After making a small mention of it on a blog, I heard from family and friends on Thursday, as i knew i would. The feeling had subsided in my face, but my hand still had some numbness as well as part of my left foot. I let everyone know that I would look in to it. So... I left it up to my wife. I said that if she wanted to make me an appointment. I would go, but that would be it. So... she called the doctors office on Friday, and they advised that I go to the ER immediately. Supposedly numbness can be bad. Yes, I do know the possibilities. I spent some time on Webmd, and i realized the potential for badness here. But... I have a philosophy, and that is this. If you don't go to the doctor, they cant find anything wrong with you, and if there is nothing wrong with you, why go to the doctor. Now, I know this really drums up an issue with preventative medicine, and in some arguments, common sense, but this philosophy has not failed me yet. None the less, i took the advice and headed for the E.R.(dramatic orchestra strikes up here)

And so it begins...

2:15pm
I advise my boss that i have to head to the ER because i have been having some issues with numbness. I don't think i have mentioned before, but i work in a sea of cubes, which is important to note for this next visual. As soon as i let my boss know about this issue, on cue, all the gophers started popping over the cube walls, chittering and chattering of the possibilities. The privacy you can get from three foamed walls that are five foot high is incredible. Anyway, he recommends I leave as well, so I do.

2:28pm
It is a gorgeous sunny day out on Friday, and i know that i am about to spend the rest of my day in a hospital. It took all of my energy and self control not to keep driving past the hospital and play hookie the rest of the day. I pulled in and the parking lot was not to bad, could this be a good sign?? Didn't get my hopes up.

2:45pm
Walked into the lobby and I was so excited to see there were only two other people waiting. A middle aged woman who apparently was deaf or arrogant, because she wanted everyone in the lobby to know what her cell phone conversation was about. The other looked like a homeless man who was actually there to catch some TV and a nap. I thought my odds of this being a short trip was good. I gave the woman at the desk my information and my symptoms. She gave me a funny look when i told her i had been experiencing it for a few days. Again, I have a philosophy. I asked the woman if there was much of a wait or if it was slow in back. She gave a scoff and said they were full. The sinking feeling of a beautiful day wasted kicked in.

2:52pm
I sat down in the lobby, and there was no great reading material. I was hoping to find the same magazine as last time (interview with George Clooney) as ever since i wrote the last blog, i have been haunted with what i might have missed in that article. The things i could have learned (sarcasm). I guess i should mention that i don't have a beef with George Clooney, as a matter of fact, i like his character on E.R. I should watch that show again. Whoa... here i am about to complain about the time i have lost in the E.R., but then i am contemplating wasting an hour a week on a show base on an E.R. How ironic. Worth it though to see Mr. Clooney... is he even still on that show?

3:01pm
The nurse calls me back to their interview room. We go through the usual general info on me, i have no allergies, i don't abuse substances, and i don't have a regular doctor(funny look from nurse)... I have a philosophy. After all that, i get a name tag slapped on my wrist and am guided to a room in the back.

3:12pm
We get to my nook, and the nurse informs me that i have to get undressed and put on a gown. I ask if that is absolutely necessary. Apparently he thought so. So, i comply. I change into the fashionable gown and prop myself up on the bed and get ready for a long nap, cause i have done this before. Nap idea spoiled.

3:17
My neighbors to the left decide that everyone needs to be in on their conversation. It was two men, one from Fargo, ND, and one from Mille Lacs, MN. What ever your thinking right now, your right. They had their typical tattoos, semi mullets, and MN accents. Apparently, they were at Home Depot buying some gutter products, when one of them took a piece of medal in the shin. They decided it would be funny to make a video with their new cell phone with regards to the event. " Hey there Home Depot lawyers, were coming for your asses. This is Jed and Cletus(names changed for the ignorant), and we know that you are in deep shit for what has happened to me". Loud, obnoxious laughs follow. I should note here, there are multiple signs everywhere stating that cell phones should be turned off while in the ER, no exceptions. "Were probably pissing everyone off with our phones being on. All these patients are probably going to complain. What a bunch of f******." More loud laughs. Their insightfulness was not lost on them. Dr. finally comes to them and begins to sew the gash up. A lot more ignorant things come out of the mouths of these gentlemen, and the Dr. does well with his patience. I had plans to let you in on more, but it could be its own blog, but then who wants to read about the daily experiences of Jed and Cletus.

3:31 pm
Nurse comes and takes some more of my info and has me sign papers. In case i die on their time, they know who to call. A second nurse comes in and sticks about six wires to my chest, blood pressure pump, and a clamp on my finger, for vitals. Yeah, I feel like the real deal at this point.

3:40pm
The Dr. visits the couple on my right. The Dr asks his patient what seems to be the problem, and her response is... " I seem to be having my period out of my butt." Yeaaaa for unnecessary visual. It seems she is having a regular, light colored-not dark, blood flow out of her rectal area. A colonoscopy is ordered. A nurse is attempting an IV on the woman at that moment which causes her male partner to declare" I cant watch this, i am going to sweat really bad". Apparently he must have forgot his deodorant that morning. Nice support. Nurse tells him to leave, because she doesn't have any beds available for him if he goes down. Ahhhh, bedside manner.

3:46
Dr comes in and reviews all my information again. Makes some speculation, but then says he wants to order some things. Those things being an EKG, MRI, and a BLT. Acronyms can be funny. He also wanted about two gallons of blood for multiple tests. Fair enough, let the good times begin.

3:52
Nurse comes in to put the IV in and to take fill in a questionnaire. IV goes fine. Turns out that my nurse just bought a 1992 Porsche 994 from Michigan. "Never seen rain." I happened to notice the Rolex on her wrist that she uses to take blood pressure. I think Nurses are making more money then i previously thought. Made a note to maybe make a career shift.
Then the questionnaire began. I was instructed to not say anything unless I have one of the following items on the list. " Just say yes if you have it, nothing else". It starts out with the usual. Diabetes, heart murmur, etc. Apparently there are about 50 of these items to get through, and my nurse has picked a very quick speed to recite them. So fast that she asks me if I have had an IUD. "Oops. You probably don't have that." I laughed so hard, no I probably don't.
Then she starts cruising through them and gets to penile implant which she takes a long pause on. I said no, even though i was only suppose to say yes for a response, but i thought her pause wanted an answer. She then said " you would be surprised how many people make me back up on that one, so i just pause on it now." Wow, apparently penile implants are a lot more popular then we realize. I wonder why you don't hear much about that. I wonder.
After that, i begin to nod off, as there is no real excitement going on.

4:08
EKG time. I am thinking this is going to take a bit. Nope. Eight wires get connected, two minutes pass, and eight wires get disconnected. Done.
Back to sleep maybe.

4:22
I am abruptly woken up with a curtain being thrown back, and a gruff older woman saying "time to move". MRI time. There is something strange about being wheeled around in your bed. You feel so vulnerable, and when you pass people in the hall, you know they are judging you for your ailment. Whats he got? Something broken, cancer, something stuck where it shouldn't be? Its undignified.

4:30
"Please remove all your jewelry. ALL of your jewelry including anything that we cant see." Done. Its like she knew just looking at me.

4:36
I climb on to the table of the MRI machine. If you have never had this done, you really are missing out. First they lock your head in this device and shove towels around it, so there is absolutely no way it can move. They ask if your claustrophobic, and if your not, you will be. They put some ear plugs in your ears and plug something into your IV and send you on your way. They advise that i will be in there for about an hour and not to move at all. They give you a ball to squeeze if you need to cough or sneeze. And then it begins. Everything sounds and feels like you are in an underwater coffin. So what to do? I know, I will do some limericks. I believe I did well over 200 hundred limericks, and almost fell asleep once. I came to with a jerk, and the nurse came over the little intercom and told me to lay still. Thanks for the scold. When you get an MRI, it makes your vital organs vibrate. Truly bizarre.

5:35
MRI complete. I get up and transfer to my bed of transport, and proceed to wait for my driver.

5:41
Driver appears and wheels me back to my nook. All other patients are gone. Now its just a wait for the results kind of deal, and I do. I took in a couple of calls made by nurses fighting with significant others, doctors flirting with nurses, nurses being snide with other nurses, nurse bragging about her Porsche 944 "never seen rain", and one lost patient looking for his bed. I think he lapped the ER twice before someone offered him some help.

6:20
Dr comes in with results. EKG -good, blood work- good, MRI-good(but wants to hear back from neurologist before he lets me go), BLT-hasn't shown up yet. Okay. Well. I have a philosophy.
I ask if i can get dressed. He says no, and that he wants to hear from the neuro first. I wait.

6:26
Talk to the neuro, and it looks good. He recommends that i make an appointment with a neuro this week to go over my results and to see if there is any other tests they want to run, but at this point, everything is good. He wants me to take an aspirin, and at least one a day till i see the neuro. He will get my nurse to give me paperwork, pill, and discharge me. I may get dressed. I do. And then i wait.

6:35
I finally go to the nurses station and ask if i can have the IV taken out. They will check.

6:38
IV removed. Paperwork brought in. Things signed. Pill taken. I head out. Time frame not so bad.

$6 copay, $6 parking, 4 hours in the ER. One aspirin.


Like i have said before. I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY.