E.R. (EVENTUALLY you get a ROOM)

At 9:51, Saturday night, I picked up my phone after an improv performance. I saw that I had missed ten phone calls and several text messages from home. I knew right away that something was wrong, and that I would possibly be rushing to the hospital.
Several different scenarios of how my three children could hurt themselves were racing through my head, and for each new one, my heart worked harder to remove itself from my ribcage. I immediately tried my wife's phone, and there was no answer. I then dialed Jeff, the oldest of the three. He answered and was in a bit of a panic. He quickly explained that Karen, my wife, had just left in an ambulance to the hospital due to pain in her stomach. He said they had just left for Southdale Hospital. Without saying much more, i hung up the phone, grabbed my jacket and advised some fellow players that i had to leave for the hospital.
On the way, I finally reached Karen on her cell. She explained that she was having severe abdominal pain, and that she couldn't even sit up. I told her I was on my way and would see her there. I then dropped it into fifth gear, and the four cylinder Kia i have on loan did everything in its power to act like a grown up car.
I pulled into the hospital, parked, and raced into the ER. I explained who I was there to see, and in a very stiff unfriendly way, the receptionist told me that she wasn't there yet. I couldn't believe i beat the Ambulance to the Hospital. I mean, they are suppose to be have a fast response time, and on top of that, I was driving a KIA! Anyway, I sat and started glancing through the aging magazines on the table. George Clooney in time magazine about being an actors actor, and how they dont make them like this anymore. What does that even mean?? Thank God i didn't have to find out, as my wife had arrived and i could go in.
Time, 10:08.
My wife was laying on a bed in the hallway behind the reception desk. This was the improvised area for the people who needed to be seen, but couldn't be seen. Karen was very flush, laying in the fetal position. She explained to me that she was feeling better and that she wasn't feeling as much pain as earlier. I was relieved to see that she had started to feel better. Relieved that she was safe and not somewhere under the knife. Relieved for now.
The nurse had taken her info, and now we were to wait for blood to be taken.
Time, 10:18.
I called Jeff to let him know that things were okay for now, and to make sure that things were good at home. He text that things were fine, as I am sure there was something good on late night television.
Time, 10:31
Blood work is finally taken. We asked the nurse to speculate on the possibilities. She said it could be an appendicitis, kidney stones, ovarian cyst, or something else bad. It was not comforting. At this point I was starving, so i went to the vending machine in the basement and got a water, some Pringles, and a Blimpie sandwich. I hurried back upstairs and proceeded to devour my late dinner. Surprisingly the sandwich was very tasty. I felt bad because Karen was not aloud to have any water or food until they had lab tests back.
Time, 10:58.
After making bad jokes about the situation we were in for about a half an hour, our entertainment arrived. Two police officers and a woman in handcuffs filled with the local happy hour selection.
I will just give you some highlights on the many great quotes she had. " MN, a one cow town, get me the hell out of here." " I know where i am, Dina. F***ing Dina, these cuffs are tight, I'M NOT A CRIMINAL." " I'm suppose to be in Calif., I'm writing a movie, and now this is going to be in it...I'M DIABETIC." Then there are quite a few racial slurs, fashion comments, and motherly advice that went on for about two hours. TWO HOURS!
Time, 12:32.
Sue(drunk woman extraordinaire) was moved to her own private room after verbally accosting anyone who walked by... which was everyone, as the entrance to the back of the ER was three feet away from her.
In all this time we had no progress on our own situation. When we asked if there was any time frame on the situation, we were told it was busy. Thanks.
Time, 1:54.
We are told they finally have a room in back for us. At this point Karen is feeling better and is plotting our escape. A nurse comes into our room, room 19, that is conveniently hidden down the hall next to the emergency exit. She take a little more info, and advises that the Dr. will see us soon. Exhaustion was kicking in at this point.
Time, 2:40.
I awake from my hunched position on a little doctor stool. I quickly tried to slurp up the drool that was pooling on my shirt. Karen begins to laugh. She had been watching this wondrous marvel the whole time. I turned on the TV and started flipping, and then I was caught by a world championship that was taking place on ESPN. Of course if it is three in the the morning, there is only one kind of championship on, ARM WRESTLING. Ron Bath beat John Brznek. I was disappointed.
Time, 3:59.
The whole time we have been here, Karen has been dying of thirst, but they would not let her drink. At this point i believe we are crossing something inhumane. I ask a nurse if there is any way she could have some liquid. He got the okay from a Dr. to give Karen a few ice chips. Score. At this point the television goes off, and we decide to try and get some sleep.
Time, 4:45.
Doctor comes in with no regard that the light was out. He apparently could drink, unlike Karen, and something caffeinated was probably the beverage of choice.
He informed us that the labs were fine. He then began pushing all over Karens abdomen. When he found a spot that hurt, he made sure he pressed it at least four more times. I think he enjoyed the power he had to make someone squirm under his hand.
He said that she would need a CAT scan. He came up with the same possibilities as the nurse speculated about 6 hours ago.
Time, 5:10
Nurse comes in with liquid Karen would have to drink for the scan. At this point she informs that it will be another hour at least. Being a trooper, Karen excuses me from the hospital to try and go home for some sleep. Not to mention the kids are usually up within an hour. I gave Karen my love and told her to call me as soon as they give some news, or if she just needs anything.
Time, 5:28
I race home in the KIA with a powerful sleep deprived headache.
I walk in the house just as Logan is waking. Jeff is making a bottle. I give it to Logan, praying he will go back to sleep. I quickly dump my show clothes and jump in bed. I then listened to Logan talk to himself for the next 40 minutes. Dreams begin...
Time, 6:33.
...and end. Jessie starts screaming out for Mommy. I quickly get some milk for her and convince her to lay back down. She agrees, deal complete. I race back to bed.
Time, 7:28
Jessie is up, deal done. I get up and start this day. Logan quickly follows.
Time, 7:48
Karen text me that they are done, and they found nothing. They have wisher her well and left her in the waiting room to be picked up.
Time, 8:15
I head back over to the hospital and pick up my exhausted, but beautiful wife. She is in a pretty good mood, despite the lack of sleep, the lack of something concrete as to what was wrong, and the lack of anything nutritional including water.
At this point, I wonder about the future of health care.
ER. Emergency Room. Yeah... Right.