Mentally AWOL

Its late. Im tired. Tired. That word makes me feel angry and disappointed. Everyone knows it, everyone feels it at some point. It comes on when you least need it to be there, but that is its wiley ways. I am trying to hook into my brain that gives into this "tired" and turn it off, but i have not had any luck. If you have a secret for it, please share.

There is sickness in the house. Hopefully that is going to turn soon. Sick. Another word that makes me feel angry and a dash of exhausted. Feels like i am constantly watching the horizon for the next infestation. Whether it be from the daycare of death or the fish bowl job. Ugh.

Vacation. I like that word, and yet it always seems to not enter my vocabulary. Even Mini-vacation. I could use that word too, but there has not been that oppurtunity. That word makes me feel giddy and like a failure. Maybe a failure because it has been four years since i have had anything that would be considered a real vacation, and that was only for three days.

I think i am reaching a superior festering of the mental and physical. Its to the point where the body is rejecting me. My body doesnt want to hang out with me anymore.
















On a side note, Chris Cornell put a new album out- Scream - Lets just say...unfortunate.

Quality or Lack of Quantity

There are times when work is overwhelming, and then there are times when work is consuming.

These past couple weeks have been a blur for me. It feels like my focus has been on other peoples lives and not on mine or my family. Granted, having the power over a persons biggest purchase in life does have some importance, but when you are sitting at a desk approaching your 10th hour of work, you cant help but think how you are cheating your children of their memories, and vice-versa. Plugging away at the revolving door called job is a constant mental battle. You know you are there so that you can provide the necessities of life to you and your family, but you cant help but think in some ways it is so counter productive. Its not a new story. Its the same story. Every one lives through it.
You wake up the kids so that you can spend about 45 minutes with them before they have to be at daycare. You work diligently with overtime so that you can afford the things everyone needs. This in turn means you only have enough time to pick the kids up, race home, make dinner, eat, bathe the kids (on a slower night) and then off to bed. Roughly about 2 hours with the kids. This cycle continues. I cant help but think of all the things i am missing during the day while they are at their best. I get them in their tired hours. Sure, we are happy to see each other, but there is just a little steam left before the crankiness kicks in. Its too bad the kids have to see me that way.
Then there is my wonderful wife. I can only imagine how much we are missing out with each other. Between both of us having second jobs, there isn't much face time. A lot of the time its tag team parenting. I miss her. I miss the quality time. I miss the alone time. Again, you can only hope there will be a greater reward later, but with the economy on its way down, a long way down, three jobs might be in order. As if relationships don't have enough challenges.

Tonight, i let the kids play a little longer. I got to be the giant stalking the princess and prince. Giggles were aplenty. I did my best to burn the images and sounds on my brain, but after a long day, i don't have high hopes for retention. Thank god for the phone video camera.

Maybe Mommy and Daddy will see if we can squeeze in a late night movie for a little bonding.






I cant see this pattern being fruitful.

Thanksvalentineing Day

What a very full week of crazy, and i meant to blog about it, but the date with my wife last night made up for all of it, so it deserves the moment

It isn't as easy to get an outing with two small children and a teen, but last night was a date made early, and i was looking forward to it.

Getting connected has been a bit of a challenge over the past year and a half due to so many different reasons (past blogs), but lately we seem to be getting our bearings about things, which has helped us tremendously in coming together. I feel like we have grown stronger with each passing day and it feels nice to be able to really talk to each other again.

Last night was just a casual dinner with talking and having fun. There was a good prime rib, wine, and seared mushrooms. Not to mention a beautiful woman sitting across from me. An evening to remind me why i love this woman so much. Here's to you Karen. I love you.
















PS- We'd make it, they wouldn't

Hairy Sucker

Sometimes you feel like it is all going better than it should, and that something is around the corner that is going to bring it to a break your nose halt.

And so it does.

Things have been starting to look up around the old home front lately. Financially, i believe we are starting to hold a little ground. Not that we are gaining any, just holding, which is better then falling deeper then we already are. I feel i have taken a more concentrated effort to watching every dollar (with more room for improvement).

The kids are doing great. All of them. The little ones delight me on a regular basis with their new found words and facial expressions. Logan received his first haircut as a human being, and was a champ. Not to mention amazingly adorable. I believe i rounded the photos off at 128.












The teen seems to be getting somewhat serious about the downward spiral he was in. I have great hope that he can find it in himself to make better choices. Hard to watch someone with so much intelligence become furniture. Maybe that is all apart of being "Scene"

Karen and I have had a pretty great couple of weeks. She celebrated a birthday, and we really got to spend some real one on one time this weekend, and it was well overdue. Was great to be able to do things for her. I love when she smiles more. Not to mention we got to see 3 movies. One good, one renter, and one that should be avoided at all costs (Hes Just Not That Into You)

But then there is that bleeding nose halt.

A friend of ours lost her battle with cancer this week. She is my sister-in-laws best friend, and even though i had only hung out with her a handful of times, i know she will be greatly missed by all. She always had a smile for everyone, and I'm not just writing a cliche phrase. She was always cheerful in my perspective and a delight to be around. Where most people would have to work hard at caring and doing for others, she did with ease and grace. A particular memory i will always have of her is that she could bake wonderful mini cupcakes. She had a great talent in the baked goods area. There aren't enough people in this world like her, and so it is with great sadness that she is no longer here with us. My heart goes out to Monica's husband and two kids as well as all her family. Unfortunately i am unable to attend the Memorial service with my wife, but thoughts will truly be with her.

Stage Fright

The space has been converted. All teams for Stevie Rays have christened it with their own brand of humor.

The space feels like it has been converted to a rec room basement for the visually impaired. The carpet could swallow you with its Corinthian swirls serpentine through blood red, and the faux candle chandeliers really bring a mid evil touch. The walls are a beautiful... beige. The stage has about two more feet of space. Overall, it is awesome. It is great to have something new, even if it looks like it was designed by a three year old.

So if you haven't been out to Stevie Ray's for a while, now is the time. The new room will hypnotize you, and the performances will mesmerize you.

See you there.

Bounded Heart

There are a hundred different types of fireworks going off. Each one of them can be felt through every fiber. Every cell through the membrane is reawakening. My lungs expand. They promise life again as they question my motive. My reason. My need to test their capacity. They don't realize it wasn't my choice. They continue to do what they do without question. The rest of my body sends gratitude by truly experiencing all my senses. The suns warmth on my head. The bitter and salty taste of blood and ocean. The smell of the crosswinds from the pacific. There is no greater moment. When you push on death, life pushes back harder.

There are moments when you look at your children and you get a chance to look into the future. It is a future without you. It is beyond you. You look at them and you see possibilities beyond your grave. You get to measure your past, present, and future in the eyes of these beautiful creatures. You wish that you could move them past the experience of pain that life will inevitably play upon them and guide them into all the joys it holds behind the corners.

When I leave home in the morning, my thoughts are no longer about my own adventures, but the small discoveries that they will encounter throughout the day. How will they experience the words and guidance of a daycare teacher. How will they absorb the actions of their miniature peers. They devour everything put in front of them, and piece by piece it adds to their being.

I will return home, hoping that they have not forgotten me. I hope that they have not found something in their day that makes them forget their smiles when they see me. Will they have learned something that fills their tiny heads with joy, in turn taking one more step away from me? It is inevitable. They hold tight at first and then slowly learn to let go. With that, I will long for the first day I left them alone. That day my heart was broken to leave them behind in the unknown. As I walked out of the care facility, I hope and prayed that they would forgive me.



I tread water. Revel in the moment. Take still pictures in my mind. Never forget this moment... life embraced me once more. Time to swim for shore.

Holiday Haul

Chest is tight. There is no more air for my lungs to bathe in. The pressure starts to affect my vision. Blackness is creeping in. My hand is within inches of breaking the surface. Thoughts are racing with images of past and images yet unseen. Panic is starting to set in. The question of death creeps in. Painful? Easy? Quiet? Violent? Will it be there in the next moment...

Christmas was very enjoyable. It started out with the traditional homemade cinnamon rolls, sent to me by my mother. They were delicious.

Right after that, the gift annihilation began. The kids got a nice handful of toys courtesy of family and second hand stores. They have spent many hours with all of them already. Overall, i think they got everything they could have dreamt up for a three and two year old.

The generosity from our family is unmeasurable. From immediate to extended, everyone has been very giving. We cant thank everyone enough for all of their contributions. It really helped in making a great Christmas.

It was decided early on that my wife and i would not exchange any gifts, as we didn't really have the money this year. None the less, she still managed to buy me a few things, which makes her the sweetest and most lovable wife out there. It was enough to make me feel great.

My wonderful wife also made a great dinner that included a turkey ham. It sounds odd, but tasted great, and was healthier. Even Logan seemed to enjoy it.

The kids played hard, we had great food, finished the night with a movie, and just generally relaxed.

Grand Christmas. With that, i leave you with a little funny something. Enjoy.